- Working It Out, a dynamic show that explores solutions to everyday challenges in our workplaces, our communities, and our lives.

Working It Out, a safe place for real talk.

- But I want you to know that I'm okay.

I've got some problems, as I mentioned, back when my husband Carl was very sick.

That was for a long time.

And then when he passed, I didn't take care of myself, so I let a lot of things go that I should have been taken care of.

- Behind the public persona, what happens when the person everyone looks to becomes the person someone else depends on?

Welcome.

I'm Dr.

Vanessa Weaver, your host of Working It Out, a safe space for Real Talk.

Today, we're bringing you a very special conversation about an issue that touches millions of families, yet too often remains unseen and unspoken.

Who cares for the caregiver?

Consider this, an estimated 63 million Americans, nearly one in four adults are family caregivers.

That's 63 million people providing care for someone they love, often while balancing careers, raising families, and managing their own personal responsibilities.

But behind those numbers are individual lives, relationships, and stories.

And today, we're going to hear three of them.

Joining me are three extraordinary individuals whose leadership, influence, and public contributions have touched countless lives across our communities and beyond.

Iyanla Vanzant, renown spiritual teacher, author, and television personality who work has helped people confront life's most difficult challenges.

She has recently launched her spiritual hygiene movement and written a book about it.

- When you have a platform like mine, rather than choosing to be separated, I look for ways that unify.

I look for ways that people understand that I'm not teaching therapy or sharing.

I'm not teaching theory or sharing what I know about.

I'm teaching what I'm living.

And as I learn and grow in the community, I can share what I learn to help somebody else.

- US Senator Angela Alsobrooks representing the state of Maryland and serving on the Senate Committee on Health, Education, Labor and Pensions, as well as the Special Committee on Aging.

- I often speak in this committee about my own experience, and I know that my experience is so similar to so many other Americans as a caregiver, as a member of what's known as the Sandwich Generation.

And it is true that every single day I balance my role as a United States senator with that of being a mother and a daughter, ensuring that my aging parents have the care they need as they navigate the health challenges that if we live long enough, will surely come.

- And the Reverend Dr.

Howard-John Wesley, senior pastor of Alfred Street Baptist Church in Alexandria, Virginia, whose ministry reaches far beyond the pulpit through spiritual leadership, community service, and a commitment to improving lives.

- We know what it's like to be tired, frustrated, and not appreciated.

But because we feel a call from God to care for our children, because we feel a call from God for sickness and in health, because we hear a call from God to honor our mothers and fathers, we sacrifice of our own.

And because we care for those who cannot care for us, it is so important that we learn to take care of ourselves.

- We know these individuals through their public work, but today we meet them in another role as caregivers.

We're going to get up close and personal about the love, sacrifices, unexpected challenges and lessons that have shaped their caregiving journeys.

But this conversation go beyond their personal stories.

When caregivers devote so much of themselves to caring for others, who is caring for them and what must our families, communities, employers, and institutions do to ensure caregivers receive the support they need?

That's the conversation we're having today.

Welcome to our special Who Cares for the Caregiver.

Now, I'd like to welcome each of our guests for this important conversation.

Each of you came into caregiving through a different door.

Your circumstances, relationships and responsibilities were different, but you share something profound.

Your life changed when someone you love needed you.

Take us back to the beginning.

Iyanla, how did your caregiving journey start?

- My daughter was the primary caregiver for her grandson.

And when she passed away from complications of diabetes, she was a non-compliant diabetic and she passed away, the caregiving duties passed on to me for my great-grandson who was at the time five.

So I became a mother again at the age of 72.

- Oh my.

So at the age of 72, how was that for you?

- Both traumatic and enlightening.

It was traumatic in the sense that I had lost a daughter, but now had to be present for this little person and present for him in a way that navigated his trauma, his upset, understanding that now I am raising another black man.

This is a black man.

This is going to be somebody's husband and somebody's father.

Yeah.

So I had to adjust all of my life just in terms of getting up and early in the morning and reciting the wheels on the bus and remembering phonics, coloring butterflies and doing all sorts of things that kids do.

And then exciting because I'm like, "Wow, God has given me this opportunity again to craft and mold the soul, the mind, the heart of another human being."

- Well, we're going to talk a little bit more about that.

I mean, I'm like, I can't imagine what the, like you said, you were kind of traumatized and surprised and excited all at the same time.

I can't even imagine what that might be like, but we really want to talk to you about it.

Let me ask Senator Alsobrooks, what's your caregiving story?

- Well, you know what?

I was sharing with the pastor and with Iyanla that there's a tradition in my family of taking care of our elders.

My great-grandmother was a person with whom I was very close.

I watched my grandmother care for her.

Then my grandmother, my parents cared for my grandmother who lived in their home for about 16 years.

And this happened so gradually.

These parents of mine who were at one point strong and vibrant, and then my mother was the first to get sick.

She required oxygen.

She also has dementia.

And my father, and they've been married, they were married 56 years, was her caregiver.

Well, the burden of caregiving became so much that I noticed they came to my house literally every day.

And I would joke with my friends and say, "Well, the elders are at my house."

It was so hilarious.

I'd look up.

I'd drive in my driveway and say, "Well, my Lord, they're here.

They're sitting at my kitchen table."

But he came because it was a respite for him to come bring my mother every single day to my house.

And they'd come in and just say, "Are you hungry?"

And I'd cook for them.

Well, the shock of him getting sick happened last year in October when he was suddenly diagnosed.

The person who had never been sick himself was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia last October, and it was a precipitous drop.

I mean, he just declined to a point where my sister and I had to - Rally - To take care of both of them.

The father who was now very sick with cancer, the mother with dementia who has really - Acute emphysema - And is on oxygen, so providing meals, transporting to doctor's appointments, trying to find care for the two of them.

And we didn't have time to consider what would happen if he did not survive.

And five months into it, that's exactly what happened.

He passed away.

- Senator, I did not know about your dad.

I knew your dad.

- Oh, you did?

- Yeah.

- Oh, wow.

Yeah.

I mean, he was, goodness, he was an amazing person.

He really was.

- Yeah.

- He was really an amazing person.

- I didn't know.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

He was, as they say, hard to guard.

I mean, he was such a - - Was a force.

- He was a force, brilliant and just impactful.

He was my advisor.

He was everything, my friend, but he was the caregiver for my mother.

And so for so long as he was here, I mean, she's been sick now for a little while, but for so long as he was here, she was grinning and all happy.

They had been married 56 years.

Let me tell you, boy, that brother went down and it has been unbelievable.

I mean, the grief is so profound with her.

She doesn't care about anything else that is going on.

She just keeps saying, "I cannot believe my sugar babe is gone."

It doesn't matter what's happening with her physically.

She's very sick right now.

But she was up there singing to this dude when he was passed.

She was at his bedside singing to him.

- Reverend Wesley, can you share how your caregiver story began?

- Yeah.

Mine is a little traumatic as well.

My father passed back in 2006 and my marriage ended in around 2014.

And at that time with two young boys and my mom being alone in Chicago, she decided to come out and help me for about a few weeks.

And what started as a six week, "Oh, I'm going to come by and help you with the boys," turned into a, "Oh, why don't I move to Virginia?"

So we moved her from Chicago to Virginia, and she was very helpful.

She was driving, picking the boys up for me at times when I was late or delayed or when I had to travel.

But then one of the most traumatic things happened, you begin to watch your parents deteriorate, and not really for sickness, really just for age.

And then came the falls and the inability to walk up the stairs and the lack of mobility.

And what started as her helping me eventually became me caring and helping for her on a full-time basis, living in the house.

And now she was helping me with the kids.

Now I've got the kids, the church and my mom.

And there's something really traumatic, I think, and it's a maturing moment when one, you recognize your parents aren't super humans, and then two, when you recognize that age and time and sickness has taken a hold of them.

And I take very seriously my responsibility to honor my mother and my father.

And it's funny, Vanessa, when my dad passed, the one thing he told me before he died, he said, "Do not move your mom in with you," because he knew me and my mom were like oil and water.

My mom and I could not get along to save our lives.

And then all of a sudden, not only is she living with me, but now I'm taking care of her on a full-time basis.

So it was gradual, but one day I just looked up and go, "Wow, the world has changed.

The woman who birthed me and was helping me with my sons is now absolutely dependent on me."

- And so is she still in your home or did you make some other arrangements?

- Well, and I know we'll probably talk about this, but there came a moment when her not being able to get up the stairs and then being here when I wasn't around was a safety risk because of the falls and God forbid she couldn't... We had the life alert, but God forbid anything happened.

So I had to go through the real difficult decision of placing her in assisted living and then the guilt that comes along with that as you make the transition.

And then of course there's a new level of responsibility because I refuse to let her be there by herself.

And so now I have the additional responsibility of getting over there three to four times a week to sit with her for a couple of hours to make sure my mom's not alone.

Now I fixed food for her on the weekends so that she can have some meals that she likes and enjoys.

And then there was the realization that when my mom leaves us, she's going to be there and not here at the house.

And so there's a lot of difficulty and guilt that comes along with caregiving, especially when you've got to make decisions to release them somewhere else that's best for them, but now you feel guilty.

- It's interesting because the only time I ever had a medical emergency, I was with my son and we were on a plane flying back from Jamaica and he could not handle it.

He put his headphones on and was listening to music.

I'm in the corner in the plane just wretching my guts out.

And I always tell people, "If you're going to get sick, get sick with your daughter, not with your son."

So the mere fact that you're a son caring for a mother, that is a really, really good thing.

That's a good thing.

- Yeah.

Inconscience is what took my dad out.

He had prostate cancer and he was doing fine, but when he had to start wearing Depends, it was such a emasculating moment for him - - Dignity.

- That he started... I think he gave up the will to live.

He would rather not be here than to have someone change him.

- Wow.

- You know what's interesting is my dad, maybe the night before he died, I think he though, "You know what?

This is it.

I had to come in and do the same thing, that thing you dread for your whole life, you somewhere changing your father.

Oh my gosh, I came in and same thing.

He was wet.

We didn't have anybody.

The caregivers were not there overnight."

And my sister and I looked at each other and we're like, "Oh my God, we've got to do this."

So to go in there and to change him and wash him and all of that, and he didn't, I don't even think, really make eye contact with us while it was happening, but I think he decided, "You know what?

I think I'm going to go ahead and check out of here.

We're not going to continue to go through this."

And the next day he transitioned.

I mean, it was - - Wow.

Yeah.

- Well, let me tell you a funny story.

I'll lift all of that up for y'all.

So I'm in the bed one night's sleep and woke up to this excruciating pain in the center of my chest.

And I woke up and I said, "Oh my God, I'm having a heart attack.

I'm having a heart attack.

I'm going to die here in this bed."

And then it came to me, "Oh my God, I have got to get to the dresser and put on some panties.

So when my son comes in and find me dead and naked, he don't see my bar."

- Right.

- So I'm in the bed now.

Forget the heart attack.

I'm trying to get out the bed over to the dresser to get some panties.

- Wow.

- Wow.

And so I create this whole scenario in my mind.

I scooch down the bed, slide to the floor, because my son is not going to see my hoo-ha and I'm dead.

This is not going to happen.

So as I scooched down and slide off the bed, the pain went away.

And I was like, "What the heck?"

I look up, I was sleeping on the remote.

- Oh my God.

- So it turns out you weren't having a heart attack.

- The remote had turned sideways and was digging in my chest, and that was what the pain was.

- I must say, I never heard that you had a heart attack.

- I would've seen that on - Instagram somewhere.

- But y'all are thinking about what you had to do for your parents, and as the parent, I want you to know that that is our worst nightmare.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Is having the child come in.

But you know what?

Speaking about children, so one of the things that I'm grateful for is that my daughter... Well, first of all, I witnessed my mother caring for her mother.

- Okay.

- And I witnessed my grandmother caring for her mother.

Wow.

So my great-grandmother, I was very close to, she lived with my grandmother.

I saw my grandmother took care of her, I mean, hand and foot.

I mean, it could not have been done any better than it was done.

So then when my grandmother needed to move in with my parents, we already knew kind of what the tradition was.

And so I think we demonstrate... James Baldwin says, "Your children seldom listen to what you say."

- Say.

- They never fail to imitate what you do.

- What you do.

Yeah.

- And I think without words being passed on, our kids are watching.

They understand what this family tradition is that we have of caring for.

- It's a pattern.

That's a pathology in your family.

Yeah.

- So they know so clearly what's expected of us as family.

And it wouldn't matter whether it was a parent or honestly, I'd care for my sister in a heartbeat if she needed me.

And I know you all probably feel the same way.

So when I think about my daughter, I mean, this has been a really difficult, difficult time for her.

It's so scary.

She's an only child.

So she's been just watching death and illness in a way that is really, really traumatizing her.

She's called me, she's been having all kind of panic attacks.

And finally I had to say to her, "Listen, listen, we're not going to be afraid of this because my father was a person who said that nobody gets out of this life alive."

- Right.

- Right?

So yeah, so the death is going to happen.

It is going to happen.

So we just enjoy each other while we're here.

We have the most devotion that we can.

But yeah, she called me recently and she was just overcome with fear.

And I had to tell her, "We don't fear death.

We don't."

- And that is the job of the village.

It's unfortunate that we are so disconnected from our culture, but this whole thing about sending elders away or putting them away, this is a new concept.

And because of the way we work now, we have to, like Pastor Wesley, just for her safety purposes.

But when we were in the village and when we were in the hut and we were on single level homes, grandma didn't go anywhere.

- Why she stayed with us?

- Mom Mary was our elder and she was blind and she had, from diabetes, they had, I was going to say dislocated, amputated both of her lower legs.

And so she couldn't walk.

And so she was in the home and we all took care of her.

So it's culture for us and it becomes a pathology, this one takes care of this one takes care of that one, a good pathology.

- Let me ask you, Senator Alsobrooks, as you think about, I mean, you've had your father illness and transition and your mother's.

I mean, what is the first adjustment that you had to make and what did you wish you had known earlier?

- Well, that is a great question.

I mean, you know what?

As you mentioned, my dad passed away and my dad was not just a father.

He really was like my best friend.

I talked to him every day.

I saw him every day.

I mean, he was a huge role model.

He was a leader in our family in the truest sense of the word.

So it's like not really even having an opportunity to grieve his death was really difficult.

I had to transition right away to now my mother needs me.

She's lost her husband of 56 years.

And so there was that grief there as well.

I'm really lucky.

I have the most incredible sister, this side of heaven, I swear to you.

So I have been really lucky that she has been in it with me.

But my father's words have really comforted me.

He said to me, he was a really humorous guy.

H used to say, "Well, one thing, little fella, nobody makes it out of this life alive," and reminded me that death is such a part of life.

And our faith tradition tells us that death is a part of life, but I'm also reminded that I should do everything I can.

And this is not easy.

I spend the night with my mother now.

We do Thursday through Sunday because we cannot literally afford to have the people come overnight.

I mean, it's so expensive.

My sister spends the night with her Monday through Thursday.

I spend the night Thursday through to Monday, just so we have someone overnight to be in the home to care for her.

And so it is a sacrifice, but I remind myself often that we should do just everything we can.

I try to bring joy into the house with my mother.

We color when I'm there.

She does word puzzles.

If we need to sit at the table and eat ice cream, she's not really supposed to eat ice cream, but she loves it.

So I just try to bring joy.

And then I remind myself I should do everything I can, and then everything else is left to God.

I have to remind myself what my capacity is, otherwise you can't make it.

If I feel that my responsibility is to keep her alive or to do the other things that are really left to God, my responsibility is to show up as a daughter, to be able to comfort her, to provide some joy even in this moment.

And then I just keep telling myself, and everything else is left to God.

And that gives me, and that meant that, like Pastor Wesley said, and the Lord has sent people to my house every week.

Friends show up when I don't expect it.

Yesterday I came to the hospital.

My friend had bought her 17-year-old daughter just to sit with my mother for several hours.

So that's the everything else is left to God and he does it.

He shows up in ways I can't expect and I just try to do the best I can.

- Reverend Wesley.

- Yep.

So I had to make the difficult decision of what was in her best interest, given that I'm solo, that I have siblings, but I'm the only one here and she's with me.

And I had to make the difficult decision about putting her in assisted living, which comes with a lot of guilt.

There's a guilt of feeling like you're not doing right.

There's difficulty of her accepting that this is going to be her new home when she wants to be here at the house, but it's not safe for her to be here at the house.

Then there is the, I've got to get over there three, four times a week.

I refuse to put my mother somewhere and not spend time with her.

So now there's an extra item on my agenda for Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday to get out there to go spend time with her.

There's the guilt of realizing that when she passes, she'll be in that facility and not at home.

And I feel a weight for that.

And then let's be honest, and I'm glad the senator's on, there's the financial care of it.

There's a financial cost.

Assisted living is a huge financial burden.

And I don't know how I feel about living in a country where if you're not wealthy, your options are so limited.

And healthcare, as you get older, you're basically signing a death certificate.

So I would say when she was healthier, it was better, but assisted living has been a great weight and burden both financially, emotionally, travel-wise, as well as guilt.

And just trying to balance that out has been, it takes a lot.

It takes a lot.

- Yeah.

Well, thank you so much for sharing that.

- You know what?

We have got to do so much better in this country.

As Pastor Wesley said, unless you are dead broke or very wealthy, you get nothing here.

So when it comes time now to get caregivers, which she needs now around the clock, it's not just the oxygen and the dementia, but it is just not safe for her.

But with a person with dementia, to remove them from their home can be so disorienting for them.

But we're at a point now where we're asking, how do you even afford?

I have a daughter who's in college, so I'm at a point where I'm trying to afford the tuition and to help make sure that we can keep my mother where she needs to be at the same time.

So this is an unforgiving system.

In our country, it costs on average $288,000 per year to have caregivers and such to come into the home.

Who can afford any of this?

But this is what we are managing, and we're not unlike most families.

You're doing the very best you can for your children and now also for your parents.

And I can also relate to what Pastor Wesley is saying about the guilt.

My mother, bless her heart, is in a hospital at this moment.

We've been going back and forth.

We paid people to come.

And she told a family member yesterday, she said, "Lord, Angie don't put me in a home."

I'm like, "Mom, you are not in a home.

You're right here at the hospital when people care."

But she was confused about it and said she couldn't believe it, that Angie put me somewhere in a home.

It's like you're not in a home, you're in a hospital.

So it is tremendously difficult.

It's also a blessing.

We have the most amazing, these parents of ours who have given us everything, and then it's our turn to give everything to them.

But it is not easy, but it is certainly something that our country could do a lot better.

Nobody is immune from this.

- And all of this traumatic change that all three of you had experienced, Iyanla with the death of her daughter and Reverend Wesley with your mom becoming more physically challenged when you thought she was going to come there to help you and Senator Alsobrooks, the loss of your father, so you're still probably grieving that.

And now having to take care of your mom and her dementia and all the other, it's just really, it's really a lot.

- As I hear the senator speak and I hear Reverend Wesley speak, what touches my heart as a caregiver, not just to my grandson, but to our community is the level of grief that they are both still experiencing.

I sense it, feel it because I know what grief looks like.

And where is there time and space and also resources, support for them to process that grief so it doesn't become an imbalance, an illness, a dis-ease in their body?

Because not just grieving the loss of the father, but grieving the life that they had with an active parent, that's a form of grief too.

- Yes, it is.

- The person doesn't just have to die.

Grieving the loss of a portion of their life, time in their life.

- As Iyanla was speaking, it just dawned on me how much I lament the freedom of holidays.

I used to take my sons every Thanksgiving out the country or we go somewhere because we didn't do Thanksgiving the normal way we did it father and son, and now we can't because I don't want to leave my mother and always asking, is this her last Thanksgiving with us?

And how now even the holidays or like I said, even the guilt of traveling, of going on vacation and hearing her go, "I wish I could go," and feeling that weight.

So you do grieve not just the death, you grieve what you've lost in your own freedoms in life.

And y'all, I want to thank you.

I hadn't even thought about that, but that's part of why this is so difficult.

I don't have the freedom I used to have.

- And so Yala, you talked about this whole movement that you started about spiritual hygiene.

How does the spiritual hygiene help with this?

- Well, the one thing that helped me move through or move through my daughter's transition was my spiritual hygiene practice, the daily practice of cleaning my mind, cleaning my heart and aligning my soul.

That means letting myself think the thoughts, feel the feelings, and then move through it because that caregivers, their time is already stretch so thin, but in that thinness, we have to find 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 20 minutes a day to care for ourselves.

Otherwise, the caregiving becomes overwhelming and the person that we love and are trying to care for, they're really the one who suffers because we can't be present, sometimes we can't be kind, we can't be compassionate because we're suffering, we're hurting, we're guilty, we're grieving, we're tired, we're frustrated, we're exhausted, and we're thinking of the next thing.

So what got me through Nisa's transition, my daughter's transition, was the fact that I made every effort to stay clean inside.

I had gave myself permission to have the thought, I'm a horrible mother, my daughter hated me and now she's dead.

I had that thought because I'm a mom.

I had the thought, but then I also knew how to release it or have the feeling of guilt that I didn't do what I needed to do or whatever it was, the mother guilt, to have that feeling and then do what's required to release it and then take the time to breathe, to pray, to meditate, to be in stillness, to turn the world out, to come back to center so that I as now the caregiver and the custodial parent of a five year old, seven year old, as he was five I believe when Nisa died, that I could be present for him and not be snapping at him or snapping... And none of my friends have children that age, so now I've got to surround myself with people who got five year olds.

- Well, let me ask you that and let me ask you one other question because the US census indicates that there are over two million grandparents that are caring for their grandchildren and for black families, four out of 10 grandparents, great grandparents are caring for their grandchildren.

That's 40%.

And so I really thank you first of all for sharing this caregiving story because I don't think a lot of people see this dimension of caregiving, but it's very real for our community and grandparents generally.

So let me ask you, what is one thing you would tell a grandparent who has primary custodial care of their grandchildren?

Because you talk about take 15 minutes to yourself and breathe and do all of that.

- You got to do it.

- And they're probably saying, "How can I do all of that?"

- You got to do it.

- It's not easy to care of one children, it's really to care of multiple children.

- Who are traumatized or abused or abandoned or neglected and you have that psychological element to deal with.

It doesn't matter.

You cannot, I'll quote the great RuPaul, "How the hell are you going to love somebody if you can't love yourself first?"

You got to do it.

You have to have time for it.

You have to take that time away from everything and everybody.

You wouldn't get up and not brush your teeth or not comb your hair or not put your deodorant on.

Then why do you think you can do this without caring for your mind, your heart and your soul?

It is absolutely essential.

- Wait - A minute, - Let me ask you this question.

You said take 15 minutes.

What in the heck can you do in 15 minutes or can someone do in 15 minutes to help ground them and stay connected with their spiritual hygiene?

What are they doing in those 15 minutes?

- Breathe.

Most of us do not breathe.

We sip air.

As soon as something happens and we walk through the day like this, waiting for the next shoe to drop, waiting for the phone call, mind racing all of the time about, okay, dinner and the bills and the this and the that.

And you would be surprised how three minutes of conscious breath, connecting, slowing down, stilling.

Scriptures tell you, be still and know.

That knowing can come in that 15 minutes.

- Let me ask you, Reverend Wesley, because you've been very public about your caregiving experience and also a strong advocate for Alfred Street Baptist Church having a caregiving ministry, as you know, it's led by Reverend Dr.

Sands.

So why that commitment and how do you translate the experience that you having with your mother to the need to have a caregiving ministry in churches, not only Alfred Street, but in churches in general?

- Yeah.

There's several reasons for the creation of ministry.

Number one, we all need circles of like-minded people that kind of really understand the journey.

It's one thing to speak to someone who's going to give you cliches and trivial answers as opposed to those like the three of us in this conversation who know the journey.

There was just a conversation between Senator and Yala and myself that just maybe go, okay, someone gets it.

Someone understands.

And that's important.

Number two is the spiritual help that it gives in what Yala recommends doing individually, we realize we had to start teaching people to do, and sometimes that's in a collective group or forcing people to do it as we gather together.

So here we are, let's take three minutes to breathe.

Let's just sit down because someone's got to remind us that we need to do that.

It's funny.

I was taking scuba diving lessons and the scuba diver said, "The one thing you got to remember when we go into water, breathe."

He said, "Your body will tell you not to breathe when you're under water and you got to remember to breathe.

Someone's got to tell you that at times."

So that was part of the ministry.

And then of course, the accessibility of resources.

None of us are really recreating the wheel and there's help and hope in places that you don't know.

Like many of us, we're thrown into caregiving.

We didn't plan it.

It wasn't on our life's agenda.

It happened or we looked up one day and we were in it and you don't know where to go.

You don't know who to look for.

And if you're out there on your own trying to do it, it's overwhelming.

It's like trying to find a lawyer in the phone book.

But when you're around like-minded individuals who are going through the same journey, they may know of some places or people to talk to or resources to point you to that are really critical.

And then I found the number one thing that came out of Vanessa were those who were willing to help.

I think the toughest part for me is I'm an introvert.

I'm so private.

My family's private because we have such a public life in church.

When we're out of church, we're very private.

And that left me trying to do it all by myself for my mother.

My siblings can't.

They're in Chicago.

I'm here in Virginia.

So I needed help.

And it was when people realized that, that some folk in church stepped up and did what we black folk are supposed to do, become part of a village that helps us get through that.

Even when these folk were not connected to my mother, I thank God that there are people in our church who feel like their calling was just to go take my mother to her dental appointments.

I can't tell you how beneficial that is for me that there are two women, three women in our church who I trust my mother with and they run into appointments.

They take her to go get her nails done.

They take her to get her hair done.

So she keeps her pride and her dignity and she has fellowship time.

And these are retired women who say they just feel a call from the Lord to help their pastor by caring for my mother.

And that never would have happened without that ministry.

I'm getting choked up now thinking about it because I owe them so much for what they do to keep my mother healthy and safe and to take it off of my agenda so that I can do some of the other things like be a dad and be a pastor.

So that ministry is critical for all those reasons.

- Well, thank you for sharing it because we know that it is often very difficult for caregivers to accept help and first of all, to identify what help they need and then secondly, to accept it.

So I really so appreciate your sharing and role modeling what that looks like.

Let me ask you, Senator Alsobrooks, when you spoke of your mother saying you put her in a hospital and the expectations of caregiving that have been really communicated through generations, because you talked about your generational perspective on caregiving, that made me think about and want to ask you all, what is the role of race, gender and culture in caregiving?

Is there something unique about how our racial groups think about this, look about it, approach it?

Let me ask you, Reverend Wesley, what do you think about that?

- Absolutely.

I think by the nature of race in America, we didn't have access to those spaces or the resources to take care of our elders.

And even like Ianna, like grandma stepped up.

I can't speak for other races and cultures, but I know that's what I see within black families.

You step up, you take care of your children, you take care of your grandchildren.

We take care of our elders.

I remember growing up, my great uncle had dementia and he lived in the house with us.

I can't tell you how many times when my dad woke me up in the middle of the night, we had to go find uncle.

He left the house and we're walking through the neighborhood.

I'm eight years old and to Angela's point, that's all we knew.

That's what we did.

It wasn't strange.

It wasn't odd.

It wasn't a burden.

It's this is what family meant.

Now, however, people of color have access to spaces just because legally and financially we can.

And I'll tell you, it's difficult having my mother in assisted living knowing she's the only woman of color in there.

She's the only black person in there.

And I got to tell you, I feel some - Kind - Of way when I walk in.

And I walked in the other day and the lady at the desk was like, "Who are you here?"

I was like, "Ma'am, ain't but one black woman in here.

I don't know who you think I'm coming to see.

Like I said, I'm coming to see my mom.

Ain't but one black woman in here.

You know I'm her son."

- And you come regularly too.

It's not like you show up early.

- Hey, hey, come on now.

I ain't here to see one person.

So I think there definitely is a racial dynamic that has been played out because of how black families have had to operate.

We didn't have others to rely on.

We couldn't go to other sources.

So we took care of our own.

We took care of our families.

That's what church became, a place where we helped one another care for our grandchildren.

We had a community that watched over our children.

My neighbor had permission to spank me as a child.

I mean, my mother gave, because we watched over one another and the neighbors, it was just a community and a village.

And there's a book I was reading, and forgive me for forgetting the title, but they talked about the architecture of American homes and how we went from building homes with front porches to homes with backyards, that our focus shifted to our own private space as opposed to sitting on the front porch watching over community, which I think was inherent in black families.

- Yeah.

Well, thank you for that.

Let me ask Senator Alsenbrook, because I know that you've translated your passion for caregiving into legislation that you co-authored.

Can you tell us a little bit about that?

- Well, one of the challenges that we have is, again, unless you are very rich or very poor in this country, I'm finding that people in the middle have very little.

And what we know is that Medicaid pays for this sort of care that we're talking about, but you have to be of a certain income level to even qualify for it.

So I am working now to ensure we have to expand the coverage, not just for Medicaid.

And by the way, what we've seen this administration do, unfortunately, is cut the very little that we - - I was going to ask you about that.

- Those folks.

Yes.

But Medicare ought to be offering this same sort of care.

And so I am working now to expand coverage to ensure that, again, it's not just the very poor who need this care, but we need to make sure that all of our families who have worked hard and who have done everything right, and those people tend to not be able to afford the care they need.

And it's not whether your time will come is when.

There's no person who makes it through this life without needing this kind.

Aging is a part of life.

And we have in our country made it so that you can't afford to age.

And so that is part of what I'm working on really is expanding coverage so that it's not just people who qualify for Medicaid who can get this sort of care, but we need to make sure that all of us can get it as well.

- Yeah, because it's interesting in all three of your stories, and we look at the three of you and say that you're very successful and you got all of that going on, but even each of you talked about the financial impact of the care that you're providing the person that you loved.

And it's not like you're complaining about it, but you're talking about the realities of it.

And we know that 65 million US adults engage in caregiving each and every day, 65 million.

And that contributes about one trillion to our economy.

So I'm glad that you made those legislative kinds of laws and things like that, at least those kind of proposals to put forward.

But what else can government do or what else can our local governments do to support caregivers?

I'm asking you, Senator.

Oh my goodness.

- Well, listen, listen, let's just be plain spoken about this.

We live in a country right now that is spending close to a billion dollars a day on a war that we didn't authorize.

So I don't want anyone to ever tell me what is not affordable.

So if we can afford those kinds of things, we absolutely can afford to pay for our families to be able to have the care they need as they age.

So money is not the issue, it's that our priorities are wrong.

That is really the critical issue.

So you said what can be done?

We need people in office who can see all of us.

And it's not just the billionaires who should do well.

Shouldn't all of us be able to do well?

And again, how could it be money when we're spending a billion dollars a day for a war with no end and no real objective?

So this is just a matter of a moral kind of, I think, depravity that causes us not to be able to invest in the things that are right and are virtuous.

I think that's the problem.

- I know like for me, I'll tell you a quick story.

One night forgetting that I had this child in the house, it was late at night.

I said, "Oh, the supermarket's going to close.

Let me run and go get some ice cream."

I jumped in the car and took off down the road to get to the supermarket, got halfway there and oh my God, I've got a kid in the house.

I whipped around and had to come back home.

Although where I live, nothing probably would have happened.

But I'm grieving the fact that I can't just pick up and go anymore.

I need childcare and none of my friends are going to babysit.

So the caregiver, even support for the caregiver, pastor should have government support for those caregivers.

Can they get therapy?

Can they get counseling?

Where can they go to take care of themselves?

So I think that's an important element too, funds to support the caregivers.

- Well, you make an interesting point and it kind of made me think as I was listening to Senator Alsobrooks and also Reverend Wesley, each of us have a sphere of influence.

I mean, there are big mega issues, many, I know Senator Alsobrooks, you're dealing with, but there's also our spirit of control and influence that we can impact.

So when you think about that circle that you can directly impact, what would you say you are prepared to do or doing to address this caregiver issue?

- Well, I'm going to Pastor Wesley's church to work with his group.

He's going to tell me when to come - - Oh, that's great.

- Because I'm going to teach him how to breathe.

I'm going to teach them, give them the journaling.

I'm going to do the things that you tell me when to be there and I will be there because if you've got the group in place, I can come and give them the tools.

- And they have over a hundred members in that group, Iyanla.

- I'll be there.

- It's major.

Yeah.

- That's what I can do.

- We welcome that.

We don't know what we don't know.

Most of us find our way through.

We'd always do it in healthy ways.

There's a lot of self-neglect that comes into it.

- So let me ask you, Reverend Wesley, as a renowned spiritual leader, community activist, I mean, you commit the church and its resources to really enhance the lives of people in our communities.

What would be one thing that you feel you could do to impact this whole caregiver issue?

- You invite Iyanla to come over to our caregiving ministry.

- You have to feed her.

- Hey, that's all right.

Low-hanging fruit.

I pick low-hanging fruit all the time.

Give me the easy wins.

That definitely was, but you know what too?

So I would hope that at the end of my life, my ministry will be one that touched on the hidden areas that black church doesn't deal with enough.

We're great at shouting amens and praising, but even like yesterday, talking about ecological justice and the responsibility we have to care for the earth, to make certain that at some point, what comes out of my mouth is the responsibility for caregiving and how we must care for ourselves and caring for others.

So even now this discussion's put that in the back of my mind, either a whole sermon or a portion of it where we speak about this issue.

So prayerfully using that voice that God's given me to whoever may be listening on that Sunday or being online to hopefully put that in their minds to give them encouragement and hope for their time of having to caregive.

As Senator said, it's going to happen to all of us.

Aging's going to touch all of us by the grace of God, but none of us get out of this life alive.

So just trying to help us knowing what the inevitable realities of life are.

- Well, thank you.

And I want to share with you, November is National Family Caregiving Month, so that might be just the time for this.

- Absolutely.

- Yeah.

So thank you for that.

Senator Alserbrooks, I know that you're doing this mega work in terms of creating legislation that addresses caregivers and age and the whole issue of aging, but what is one thing, if you could just make that happen yourself, what is one thing that you are prepared to do around impacting caregiving?

- Yeah, I want to say a couple of things.

One is the legislation.

I want to work on policy and legislation that allows for people to have Medicare and other resources, as I've mentioned, to be able to age.

I've worked, for example, on the housing legislation that allows even people who are aging and who are having difficulty to be able to stay in their homes.

But I need to get people elected up and down the country who can look at people and understand what they're going through.

One of the things that is unique to me, and I'm so grateful to be in the Senate, is because there are few people, I believe, who actually live like the people they represent.

I think it is so important not to just say, "I can imagine what you feel.

I can imagine what you must be going through."

It's a whole different exercise to say, "I actually know."

I think that informs policy in a way that is very powerful.

I am not in the Senate imagining theoretically what it must feel like.

I'm telling you, I had to move in for part of the week with my mother, along with my sister, to care for her.

I am a person, one of the few who actually lives off the salary I earn in the Senate.

So I understand the stress and strain of trying to pay for college tuition and trying to also be supportive of my mother who needs me in this moment.

So we need more and more people who actually live like the people they represent.

We need more people in office who actually understand the lives of the people they represent.

And that I think is going to be as helpful as anything.

And it will absolutely change the way that we address policy in our country.

We need those voices at the table.

When these decisions are made, it's powerful to have me on the health education, labor and pensions committee.

A person who is in this experience at this moment, it's very powerful, but we need more, I think, in these bodies.

- And what's so great, and I guess I'm not saying it's the fortunate thing, but you are having a live experience of this.

So you speak with reality, with authenticity and with the heart for this.

- Can I add one thing, Vanessa?

- Sure.

You sure can.

- As a resource, because I am a resource in my community, one of the things I would love to do, and I'll do it through the church, I'll do it through the legislature, and I think this is important, is training caregivers because there are many people in assisted living, in rehab centers who don't have children or who don't have family who look after them.

And the caregivers aren't always equipped, prepared to give compassionate, loving, kind care.

So preparing caregivers, training caregivers from a spiritual hygiene perspective of taking care of themselves so that they can take care of people in need, I think is also important.

And that is one of my visions that I would like to do, whether they're nurses or home care aides or whatever they are.

Also, people who are watching their parents decline and are frozen in space.

Oh my God.

I speak to a lot of people who have to care for parents who didn't care for them.

- And that's a real dynamic.

Huge.

We haven't even talked about the internal family dysfunction and dynamics that happen.

So maybe we'll have a part two to this.

- And they have to go into that caregiving situation with so much anger and resentment.

And how do they then make that shift within to be able to provide compassionate care?

- Iyanla, in terms of your commitment, Reverend Wesley and Senator Alsobrooks, who can really help us kind of figure out how do we make this a broader move to train the caregivers?

Well, our time is winding down and I can't even imagine that.

And Iyanla, you spoke of the importance about spiritual hygiene, particularly for those grandparents who are those 40% of black grandparents, those two million grandparents in our country that are raising kids and their grandkids.

And Reverend Wesley, you spoke of the role of the church in responding to the needs of caregivers and those particular things that you've committed to do.

And Senator Alsobrooks, you spoke on the role of the legislative branch and the kinds of policies and legislation that you're putting forth.

So I'd like to just thank each of you, each of you for the commitment to be here, to share your stories.

They were so up close and personal.

And I know as people listen to it, they're going to know that you understand, each one of you understand what's real for them.

And that not only you understand it, but you're working your way through it and you had some incredible suggestions to provide them.

So I want to thank each of you for giving us the time today.

You've just been awesome.

So in closing, we've heard three different caregiving journeys, different circumstances and different challenges and really some different lessons.

But one truth has emerged that caregiving is deeply personal, but supporting caregivers is a shared responsibility.

We cannot continue to depend on caregivers while overlooking their critical needs.

Our families, communities, employers, healthcare systems, and public institutions all have a role to play.

So to every caregiver watching, the care you give matters.

Your wellbeing matters.

Your mental and physical health matters too.

And to everyone else, I leave you with this challenge.

Think about a caregiver in your life.

Reach out, ask them what they need, like Reverend Wesley and Senator Alsobrooks also talked about and offer something meaningful because the question is not simply whether we appreciate caregivers.

The question is what are we prepared to do right now to support the caregivers in your life?

I'm Dr.

Vanessa Weaver, and this has been Working It Out: A Safe Space for Real Talk.

Thank you for watching Who Cares for the Caregiver.

So who cares for the caregiver?

These organizations certainly do.

Here's how they can help.

- There are tens of millions of individuals serving as caregivers across this country every single day.

And this year, as we celebrate the 29th anniversary of National Family Caregivers Month, we came to a theme of care connects us because each and every individual, every family, every person that's leaning in and helping out an individual that needs their care and support needs our care and support to make sure that a light shines on with the work they do every day.

So this year, care connects us in ways that we'd never envisioned before, but now can see the action for.

So visit nfcmonth.org for more information on how care connects us.

- Since 1970, NCBA has championed independence, empowerment, and opportunity for older adults.

At Carl F. West Senior States, our Grand Families Initiative brings that mission to life by providing ongoing support through essential community resources and meaningful multi-generational activities that strengthen family bonds, foster lasting connections, and create a vibrant community where grand families feel valued, supported, and empowered to thrive together.

- The Prince George's County Area Agency on Aging and the Department of Family Services is committed to helping older adults age safely and independently within their homes and communities.

Our Family Caregiver Support Program provides education, assistance, and respite care for our caregivers so that they can continue to love on the ones they love while caring for themselves.

- Hi, I'm Marla Lahad, Executive Director of Home Care Partners.

Home Care Partners has been around for almost 70 years, helping seniors to remain in their own homes.

Safe at Home completed 602 home modifications for DC residents during FY26.

For some clients, it was the first time in many years that they were able to go up or down stairs or safely take a bath.

Safe at Home also held evidence-based exercise classes, workshops, and the very successful Fall Prevention Awareness Week.

Thank you, Dackle, for your continuing support.

- Hello, my name is Ashley Johnson.

I am the long-term care coordinator for the City of Alexandria's Division on Aging and Adult Services.

To find your local AAA, visit eldercarelocator.gov to find resources and programs that may benefit you and help you more confident in caring for your loved one at home.

Our goal is to help you help your loved ones remain at home with dignity and independence.

Reach out 703-746-5999 today.